Suddenly thought of an annoying moment at work today. It's bugging me and making me feel belittled, so I am attempting to blog it out.

This afternoon, I was in a meeting with a dance choreographer and a bunch of colleagues, to iron out some PR and logistical details for an upcoming performance. Every art form be it paintings, sculpture or films, will face the need to sell the art (unless you are damn rich and don't mind performing to no audience). So although it is gruelling and quite a chore to be worrying about high res pictures and interesting copy, as opposed to glamour and oh creation, every respectable artist should know that they have to somewhat participate in this process. Especially when we have commissioned them - we give them money - to do whatever they are doing.

So anyway, when I asked said choreographer for the music CDs of the artists he was working with for our reception, something in him short circuited and he stretched his hands out on the table and blabbered, "Don't bother me with these things, I have to concentrate on choreographing and when I'm doing that I cannot think of things like this, you know!"

Well his negligible 'things like this' is my job loh. To begin with I am unimpressed with his choreography and he is ugly. But I will still do what I need to do because I am responsible and professional. And if I can do what I need without his inputs, I will not be asking him (or anybody), I will be getting it done. While I will always be slogging behind-the-scenes like everybody's PA in this job, he will at least get to bask in the glory of seeing his face on the paper, of having people at his performance, of being a success in the eyes of those VVVVVVIPs who will be at the reception... and then perhaps more recognition and more jobs. I know he needs all his time and brain cells for artistic pursuits, but hey, my work done well will only benefit him. What a myopic nut.

Ok, blogging has proven effective! Hah! Now I feel better and can go sleep. Tomorrow will be a great day!

Presenting... ...

Bak Chor Mee...................................

and me! And Fried Kway Teow................................

and me! All having a good time :D

Sunday was baking day so I brought out the fiery red weighing scale! I love to measure out the ingredients then place them in different plates, like playing on a beach and shovelling sand into colourful pails and buckets.

The flour goes into the sift which sits on the big white Corelle plate. The sugar goes directly into the big metallic mixing bowl, on top of the butter which has been brought out from the refrigerator just ten minutes ago so it’s pillowy soft but not melted. Eggs will first sit unbroken in a Japanese rice bowl. Later they will be lightly cracked into the same bowl and very gently whisked with a spoon. An inch of cold milk, any cup will do to add to this eclectic mix of crockery display.

Then out comes my mom’s mixer of twenty years that has served us very well – a cream coloured machine that is always raring to go. Because the weather has been so hot, the air conditioning needs to be turned on or the butter will melt too quickly which makes the batter runny.

Creaming, whisking, folding-in, the mixture evolves from a thick clotted cream to a slippery batter. Then as it interacts with the flour, it thickens and takes on the right identity.

I split the mixture to make cupcakes and the individual cups really came into their own when they ballooned quietly in the orange heat of the oven. Sneaky was the smell that snaked around the apartment, betraying the identity of our little friends.

I love to bake! (And eat!)

There is no reason to spend a perfectly good afternoon mulling over what could have been… although, oh the possibilities! My well laid out plans to make life more fun and well spent. I suddenly grasp the importance of time and how it is leaking me by like water in a cracked glass you’ve put on the table. Next thing you know it’s all over – the table top, the carpet, the floor – water is evaporating everywhere except within your very possession. Life will be over soon. Even if we were to dwell in misery every single day, seek comfort that life will be over. And even if we live in happiness, life will be over erasing all of that from our consciousness. Which is to say, everything in existence, and all that we see and feel will only matter for a very short time. The very short time is now.

Yet we humans keep on working ourselves to deaths, complaining, frittering, hating. There must have been a defective stage in evolution, which made humans stupid enough to keep doing these things they neither find worthwhile nor gratifying.

I am not picking on work. I do think that work is part of what gives meaning to life. But is it necessary to work so many hours? The amount of time I spend working versus the amount of time I spend cultivating my numerous interests is grossly imbalanced. At work I do administrative work, I manage people, troubleshoot matters and facilitate events, and honestly there is little creativity, enjoyment or satisfaction. But I do not hate it. It challenges me, especially, to bring out some wit to handle different people in different situations. I just don’t want to work so many hours and I don’t dare to do anything about it. For now. It must be for a reason that I don’t yet know. One day there’d come a reason for me to action.

Hello, my name is Wabi... Hello to you!

头发都长了。年初二在舅舅家跟明和表妹谈笑，突然在落地大镜子里看见自己，头发都垂过肩膀了。随后想起那几年前的青春头，想起王菲那首《当时的月亮》。

其实我们的皮肤每天都在新陈代谢，指甲修了又长，但头发总是特别。可能是因为发型能影响外型，而外型能影响心情，所以头发原来也能主宰幸福。如果你允许它的话。

通常长发给人感觉较成熟，较女人，而短发就很帅气，爽朗。当然也有男孩子气的长发，病态的短发，我都碰过。有人喜欢漂白了又染，要不然起直了又卷，顶着一头的个性。青春烂漫，两鬓斑白就更浪漫，你看杨过。

叹气时它代表时间的流逝，静下来时它代表时代的变迁。头发是重要的！

我的头发啊，越来越长了。我没有理个新发型迎接新年，因为本想过了年就狠心地把它斩断。但是它静静地向我的心脏蔓延去……还是暂时留长吧！

最后，要祝大家过年都高高兴兴地。

人生不论多难熬，希望往往存放在下一步。下一秒，下一分，下一次见面。希望在阳光满满的办公室，在第二杯咖啡，在新的一年。所以新年新希望不是盖的！

原来我们一直在等。

等早上的地铁，等咖啡店点咖啡，等红绿灯过马路。
等电脑启动，等开会，等同事的回复好办事。
等午饭时间，等谁来一则简讯，等放工。

等电影上映，等餐馆上菜，等雨停。
等心情变好，等CD播下一首歌，等电话终于响起。
等好好入睡，等成熟些，等转角可能一阵凉风让我觉得长大了。

原来不管我们多努力地活在现在，终究还是逃不过等待。
所以慢慢开始了解，等待不但充满无奈，更充满了期待。

I open my paper dry eyes to another brand new day in a brand new year. The pain in my head and my back is gone, thankfully. The bed is warm and comfortable, unlike New Year’s Eve when I lay sweating and feverish and the heat from my body felt intense but artificial. The flu had lasted a total of four days. On the first day I woke up nose all itchy and runny more like an allergy at play from some pesky dust mites or wrongly consumed food. Later at full force, there would be nothing playful about it which confined me in bed like a corpse to a coffin, my physical world at once shrunk within the four corners of my blanket. The aches were the worst. I felt like there was a big bruise at the back of my head and someone was kneading away at it, trying to make me feel better but actually killing me. There’s more of the same shit in smaller knots all over my shoulders and back. I was quite dizzy all the time and had only a quarter of my usual energy level.

What a way to start the year. Being there in bed, unfit and somewhat discarded by the active physical world, I had many thoughts slipping in and out of my head as I lolled between the borders of wake and sleep. Different parts of my life would creep up on me and I see them like selected scenes from a movie, people and voices. Those were not comedic or heart warming scenarios. It’s an unsettling world in there, behind my closed eyelids.

I’ve come to realise that life is full of battles to be faced alone because oftentimes, our greatest enemy is really ourselves. In this day and age we’re more spiritual and philosophical, and we pride ourselves on being our best rival, but this does not guarantee that we wouldn’t hurt ourselves crazy playing the role of our greatest critic. It’s me I don’t like to be stuck with sometimes, me, so brutally honest to myself, that my wrath, envy and pride could strut brazenly in their naked glory. And that morbid, masochistic mind that made me witness over and over, words that I wished I never said, expressions I wish I have never seen and that uncontrollable frustration that made me want to tear my skin apart and with my bare fingernails.

I jumped from one random torturous thought to another, slicing through time and space, physically turning my face away when I could no longer bear the anguish, but what good would that do since those were but intangible thoughts in the first place?

I wonder if I am alone in having thoughts like that. Irksome matters that give so much dread and gloom.

Anyhow, I think I was purging all the sickness from my body and soul before the Chinese New Year. And I am glad. Because for a moment I did not know how I was going to react to this influx of negativity. I lugged it around for a while even after I recovered from the flu, easily accustomed to its weight. But in the end, I did the most over stated, under rated thing, I high-fived with the self-help section at the bookshop and shifted my point of view.

I’m not sure how it happened and when exactly but I would like to think that 2008 has matured me and like a little piece of cheese or a glass of wine, I am better. I manage detractors better because I manage my mind better. It is still a little bizarre to me, this managing my mind thing. I liken it to the fifth day of the new year, a fresh Monday when I was given back my health, I felt like I was wearing a new piece of skin and I had to get used to flexing my fingers and toes. It is almost unbelievable that such dexterity could return after the spate of warfare with the flu virus. I thought things like optimism belonged to people of a different make, but hey, I was only discriminating against myself... so there, happy New Year. May it only get better.

MY LATEST OBSESSION



Hi everyone! The other blogger is back after a long absence.

I'm currently playing this game on my iPhone called Fish Tycoon. It's really addictive. Been sleeping late just to stare at the screen and will my fishes to give birth quicker, grow up quicker and find more species to add to my ever growing list (even came up with a spreadsheet to track my fishes. Beat that!).

The objective of the game is deceptively simple. Breed enough species of fishes to find the Seven Magic Fish, each with their own magical properties. In order to do so, you will need to breed fishes, sell them, buy equipment in order to achieve that. However, some breeds are too fragile to survive full term so you need to make money in order to do research for better food, better environment and even better advertising to draw crowds in to buy your fishes.

As of now, i have only found 36 species and two magical fishes. If you still remember your Maths, 35 fishes can come up with loads of different permutations and combinations (i think is 595 combinations. Am i right?)! Oh well.


Anyhow, i have a few screen shots of the game,

My eyes are burning, i bring my thumb drive with the spreadsheet everywhere i go to type in the latest species found, i scribble on a scrap of paper if no computer is to be found, i don't get enough sleep, i close my eyes and see fishes.

Can't wait for it to end.

暫時拜拜了

我不在身邊就讓思念代替

代替我去愛你去呵護你 吧

always ^^

Who says I never update my blog... I always update what. Hehheh... here is a picture of recent me, taken by my colleague. Because he loves to take pictures and amongst the colleagues I seem to be the one who most love to have my picture taken, so I'm always cam-whoring one day or the other. It's quite fun! Although I always have just one expression and am always endorsing the V-sign. But now I have a lot of photos!!! I think in this photo here I look quite 詩情畫意, yes, the good kind of image I like to portray.

Because I like to take pictures more so than the others... my colleagues think that I super like to pose and take pictures. Like super hiao... you know?

It's very strange how my colleagues see me in one way because of how I appear relative to them... For example they think that I'm very 'drama' and I'd be super incredulous at their perception because (and I quote myself), "Huh? No leh, I'm not drama one, my friends are drama, I'm the un-drama type leh..."

Or they would think I'm super rich and the 千斤大小姐 sort who gets my way all the time. In a Korean drama, I'd be the rich girl who has everything and most ideally would bully the female lead who's poor and obliging. Hmmm... but no, that's not me. Some of them think that I'm the 開良少女type... was so not but heading there.

But oh wells, people have their own perception of things and really, it's alright. I probably form impressions of them based on them some skewed perspective too! So 管不了那麽多，隨他們想吧！

2009 is coming... Time to think back and reflect and blah blah blah again...
Three things I'm looking forward to before 2008 runs away...

1) NZ trip next week
2) Jane and Phoebe coming back
3) Christmas

I love Christmas and I hope to get at least one present this year.

Hehheh... Actually I know I will get at least one! So... at least two lah!

I’ve been working for one and half years. The department I’m in is called Marcoms which means marketing & communications. I don’t do marketing, I do the communications bit, but I don’t communicate very well. Talking, especially, misrepresents me. I often set out with one intention in mind, but the words, as they travel and form would twist and mutate. When they emerge, I listen to them as if they were spoken from somebody else’s mouth, with somebody else’s tone. They must be somebody else’s thoughts! It’s quite annoying.

Blessing or not, humans rely on much more than words in face-to-face communication. There is tone of voice, there is body language and there is shared knowledge. So the answer ‘no’ to the question ‘should we leave now?’, if said with much enthusiasm and a happily nodding head at a hopelessly boring party could only mean… yes.

The intricacies of such are very interesting and can be fun to think about. They are also very complex. So unless you’re studying sociolinguistics, overspeculating is paranoia.

In another realm of communication, there is writing which encompasses letters, emails, smses, etc. I like that writing can be executed with more thought and preparation but nonetheless, when I reread old emails and stuff, it is often that I think they could have been better understood if written this way or that.

Somewhere along the timeline of civilisation, the term ‘two-way communication’ was coined and seems to suggest that for communication to be successful, there is only one way to go… which is er… two-way. I imagine two people setting out from different ends of a labyrinth. They would never meet if they are moving away from each other despite given tools to communicate. They would also never meet if one party had not entered the labyrinth at all, but how nice it should be to meet someone inside.

I recently watched an interview of Hong Kong actor 黄子华 who’s known for dating women much younger than him. He was asked if communication was always a problem in his relationships because of the generation gap. He paused for a while then very slowly and seriously replied, “我到现在为止没有碰过一个人，跟我在沟通上是完全没有问题的。无论是男或女。” How interesting and smart of him (or his PR person). Well, he might have had the questions to prepare himself before the interview but … I wouldn’t have thought of saying that anyway. And in a sense isn’t it so true, for everyone?

I aim to be convincing in what I want to communicate. To inspire what I believe and detract what I do not. I think I will get better with time and practise…

So I should expect to be a very eloquent old lady.
















艺术家把两个字放到墙壁上。让读者感动的却是读者自己让自己看到的。很妙。

Hee... My wonderfully beautifully onz nails! Gee... I really don't like sounding bimbotic or shallow but fact is, ever since I did the gel overlay on my nails, I have been mesmerised. Today when I was bored at a meeting, I just looked and my nails and I'm entertained. WH calls them Instant Mood Boosters.

I did them at this nice little expensive shop called Holistetique. If you're wondering why they are so short it's cos I didn't do extensions cos it's the in thing in Japan to have short nails... of cos Japanese trend = good. Excuse me now, I have to go get lost in the kaleidescope of shiny glitter already...

Today, there is only one soundtrack to life.

... I'm so gorged with glee I'm going to explode!!!

白色教堂外，晴空万里，阳光点缀着蓝天，纯净如同金发蓝眼睛的小孩。

教堂里神父慈祥地看着新郎:

“你是否愿意娶新娘子为妻，按照圣经的教训与他同住，在神面前和她结为一体，爱她、安慰她、尊重她、保护他，像你爱自己一样。不论她生病或是健康、富有或贫穷，始终忠於她，直到离开世界？”

新郎面带微笑，神情镇定：“我愿意。”

人愿意去做的事情不一定是他们肯定要做的事情。我愿意朝九晚五上班，每天起个大早跟数百万新加坡人民一起济地铁。我愿意工作 - 带完一次又一次的团，看完一次又一次的稿，办完一次又一次的晚会 - 这些，我现在都愿意去做。但我却不曾肯定这些是我要做的事，我只是以‘这也不错’的心态顺流而以。不一定是件坏事，只是对于这些事情我还给不起一辈子的承诺。

我愿意去尝试天下之多的东西 – 跳蹦极、听历史讲座、教书、吃异国料理、做义工等。但对于这些我愿意但不肯定要做的事情，当玩玩嘛，我不一定都把它们完成，即使做一半也可能随时改变主意，都不要了。

对于肯定却不愿意的事情，拿块蛋糕来作比喻。我肯定我想吃冰箱里的那块蛋糕，因为是我最爱的那家蛋糕店买的我最爱的TIRAMISU蛋糕。百分百的满足感近在咫尺，我却不愿意吃它。因为我怕胖。来些健康的，妈妈泡的苦茶肯定对我好，我却不愿意吞下。

夜晚，一个人躺在床上，全身燥热，湿嗒嗒的被子滚成脚下的一团。是我睡不着就肯定会胡思乱想呢，还是我胡思乱想所以肯定睡不着？总之我能肯定胡思乱想是个不良嗜好，但我的抗拒和埋怨却往往跟几分糊涂的愿意在挣扎着。

愿意太弱了。如果在当下，新娘子只是愿意嫁给新郎，没有肯定的那种决心，难保不会随时换对象。

肯定也太弱了。情到浓时，大家都可以很肯定一份爱，只是有几个愿意去接受并实现它呢？

“我肯定也愿意。” 就对了。

Because I will never find out the actual day Wabi was born, I have been thinking of a suitable birth date for her. Star signs that I like include: Aquarius, Pisces, Cancer, Sagittarius and Capricorn. Out of the above, the star sign that best fits her character will be Capricorn. Like a Capricorn, Wabi has everybody liking her without any contrived effort. She enjoys affection and some attention but do not crave for them. I have thus decided on 20 January.

Wabi 也是魔杰座！

Wabi sleeps like a guileless baby – trusting, vulnerable and oh-so-cute, but she’s a different story but when she wakes. Sometimes, her expression reminds me of a jaded rocker, the one sitting by the window, taking long slow draws on a cigarette, conjuring unforgettable songs. Looking out at the world at large, she must value her freedom and perhaps that’s why she has yet to let me carry her, not even once.

Wabi the rebel without a cause has the entire living room to call hers, but only does air flops when she’s trespassed into the spots we usually disallow her to go. She reprimands by nudging my knee when my mission-to-massage fails to impress and my hand stops in mid-air, distracted by the television or conversation.

When I sing to her, she looks pacified. Like a lady who has downed a few flutes of bubbly, she begins to relax and air her grouses. Through her eyes she tells me of her life and outlook and how much she enjoys music. She also enjoys her food and she can be as picky as my mother allows her to be.

I have never particularly fancied rabbits as a pet as compared to say dogs, but what transpired within the universe, what cosmic intervention had thus put Wabi in my path, I could never make sense of.

I am happier.

I think I do have a slight commitment phobia in general and when I describe my other imperfections in character on top of that – impatient, emotional and above all lazy – I am inclined to believe that it was on one of my whims that I let Wabi into my life. But capricious is life and things happen this way, it’s like learning how to read – all of a sudden you have removed yourself from your physical environment and entered the story. It occurs very naturally. I brought Wabi into the home and all of a sudden, I’ve become a part of hers.

And I am glad.

People keep looking for love. They meet someone great and suppose they have found, but what they really find, is themselves looking again. I finally got down to watching Before Sunrise. Funny how I had a thought last night and this morning, this movie.

There are many types of love but there is this one kind which warrants this search. That person could be a doctor or a fisherman; occupations hardly play a part. Neither does a sordid past or an introvert-extrovert difference. His mere presence is like a lingering scent, a drug that infuses your body and keeps your organs smiling.

But this happens not when you meet someone great, but when you meet the one who transforms you into your personal best. The interaction is surreal. You now have all the right things to say and the right words to express them with; your timing is immaculate. You possess social skills you have never learnt but can now wield with impeccable dexterity, even with everybody else. All of a sudden you’re charming, and funny, and spontaneous; and feel contentment you never knew you were capable of. You love yourself more adequately than ever and could never remember why you were once petty enough to succumb to selfish emotions like stinginess or jealousy.

For those who don’t know or believe in this love, or perhaps too impatient, they might be convinced take the vows with the best person they can find to date. I’m not sure how to comment on that. With all due respect, it is a conventional behaviour that makes it easier for one to function in the social context. But it also seems a pity and rather unfair especially when the sparks finally hit them and the marriage becomes a downward spiral of deceit and disappointment.

Funnily, x xx xxx hoping for something xxxx xxxx. Wonderful and magical xxx xx xxxxx xx xx xxx xxx xx in the movie and in real life; X xxxxx xxxxxx xx meet that someone great – xxxxxx, xxxxxx, xxxxxxxx – who will make xx xxxxxxx xxxx x xxxx xxxxx.

Weddings are beautiful and this picture is taken at a wedding gig I did some months ago. Not sure about this marriage but it is rare that the Lover becomes the Spouse. Where one promises till-death-do-us-part, the other’s tomb reads it-is-as-good-as-it-lasts. Which is which?

In my small, accidental collection of Alice in Wonderland paraphernalia, I have the book (second hand and costs only 50p), a pretty postcard with a storyboard on how Lewis Carol came up with the story, and, most recently, a necklace (a piece of costume jewellery with a drawing of Alice on a white dog tag).

In spite of this modest collection, Alice in Wonderland is not one of my favourite tales. I do, however, find myself a little like Alice, as she has an older sister and so do I. She has a wild imagination, so do I. She enters her dream world, I, well … almost.

In Wonderland, it is fun but it can be scary; it is bizarre but you can survive with some wit. The houses are too big, the houses are too small… nothing is quite the ordinary. It is a place for escape, a holiday, an adventure!

In the story, Alice follows the Rabbit and lands herself in Wonderland. I so need a holiday.

So can I or can I not head to Wonderland soon?

Everyday I do small little things in a bid to make myself happy – a good meal, a new skirt… things like that. I tell XY that I’m an urbanite through and through, inflicted with urbanite ailments – so private yet and so afraid of loneliness. Easily bored. Becoming rather caught up with the what-can-I-get-out-of-doing-this rather than enjoying what I’m doing. I’m a pain, basically. And it’s not easy to derive happiness from pain… unless you’re sadistic or something, but that brings us to a different genre…

So here I am, in my own genre. Having been quite the average student all my life, I find myself now rather caught up with results. It might be what the corporate life is doing to me, having lived it for over a year now. I’ve never liked meetings; they are all about the outcome. I am in awe of people who can make small talk during meetings as a sort of temporal oasis before swerving right back onto the dry tracks of the agenda. I am actually genuinely interested in the small talk, which is why I get carried away. How's your day? How's your dog? How's your mom's cooking? If I had my way, all my meetings will be light bantering and decision-making will be reduced to the boss’ preference (which is more than likely the way to go in the end anyway). I really do not enjoy the journey of negotiating back and forth on work-related matters. As Beatles once sang: You say yes, I say no, you say stop, I say go go go… Bleah… waste of time.

Results can also equal acquisitions – like buying a new skirt or buying a good meal, which explains why I’m doing these little happy things for myself on a daily basis, I need new destinations everyday because I tend to overlook the journey. Much like going home without a report card and unsure if you’ve learnt anything at school; I need to fondle and fawn over that new purchase to make me feel like I’ve lived my day worthwhile.

Funny situations people get themselves into.

I always talk about wanting to write, and I’d really rather I write about it instead, but if I did I would be writing and not just talking, the way I always talk about wanting to write.

Anyway, it’s Saturday night and I have hours at my disposal. This is a luxury considering my greatest gripe these days is the lack of time and energy. Instead of being thankful, I feel like I've been stranded on an island, floating in a sea of wasteful time and useless telephone numbers. I feel sapped of enthusiasm. So I now realise that it’s not about the time or energy, but that my feeble walls of optimism have crumbled again, and this time round given in to boredom.

Boredom, is it? When I was young I’d make these lists of Things To Do When I’m Feeling Bored At Home whenever I was bored at home. The lists will include things like baking and watching TV, and very definitely, the last item will be to Make A List Of Things To Do When I’m Feeling Bored At Home. I found this final insertion funny I’d laugh at myself every time, as if I had been watching myself play out a script, for myself. And I’d feel so much better from the amusement.

Actually, fighting boredom is not unlike fighting for happiness. It’s an upstream swim and requires constant mental and physical effort to make things better. Now that I’m all grown up, doing things might keep me occupied but they no longer keep the boredom at bay. Going out is an activity but it’s who I’m out with that makes it worth my while. Blogging is not as meaningful as writing a song. In any case, I’d like to learn to be less picky.

Life does entail a lot of stumbling and learning and I’m not new to battling the darkness in my nature. One thing I’ve come to realise though is that the simple answer to contentment has been told to me many, many times. I’ve just failed to pick it up.

Years ago, Ming and I used to watch this anime called Akazukin Cha Cha on cable. It’s kind of like a younger version of Sailormoon. The lead is a cute little girl who transforms into a beautiful and powerful superheroine, with no less, a grand anthem and a dazzling show of lights in the background, to beat up bad guys. Towards the end of her transformation, she will shout an incantation that encompasses all the magic we need to keep our souls happy and alive.

She says:

Love! Courage! And… Hope!